There comes a point in time when you just have to stop and think selfishly for yourself. I’m not saying every act has to be a selfish one by all means, but it does mean putting yourself first in front of others at times.
Today, I am on my way to the hospital for a face-to-face check up. It seems like a novelty. It’s foreign and something we used to take for granted so much, yet here I am, relishing in the fact that I get to meet the team that has treated me virtually over the last couple of years.
It got me thinking this morning – what do I really have to report to them? I am living my life in ways I couldn’t imagine however, there still is this lingering barrier that I am not doing enough. When I look at myself from an outside perspective, I would shout at myself to slow down, take a breath. Seems a bit silly that we put ourselves under so much pressure – and for who?
Of course there’s a certain amount that we undoubtedly put ourselves under, but why? Why is there this constant guilt about not being like other people?
We are all individuals, have different needs, have our own feelings and thoughts. So, why is there this need to conform?
As most you may know, I have been having some troubles with work and making reasonable adjustments to suit my needs and disabilities. A lot of you may be wondering why I need such things, seeing as I have 4 allotments. If I can manage to do those, then surely I can work at a desk all day?
Well… no, not really.
Let’s just make this clear here; I am not writing this to justify myself to anyone.
I have always been open about my gardening being a therapeutic outlet for me and it is just that; an outlet.
You wouldn’t begrudge an artist for their artistic outlet, so why do people think it’s okay to compare my life-saving outlet against my disabilities? It seems silly really, but people do this and it seems to be accepted into society quite readily.
I got into gardening because of my disabilities. Not because I wanted to write blogs, share pictures or be recognised for it. Just because I enjoy it and it’s physical, and it helps me, why does that make it so wrong?
I can pace myself, set my own goals and achievable targets. I have no one breathing down my neck to perform and my only timelines are the seasons. If I want a day off, then that’s fine. If I only want to do a little, then that’s fine. It’s called pacing. I spent a LONG time learning how to implement it in my life in a healthy way. It’s not like I’m digging the trenches here.
What I am trying to do with work is set out a comfortable working environment. People don’t seem to understand the concept of chronic pain, and that’s okay because these people wouldn’t know unless they experienced it. But I am not going to put my health at risk for someone else’s KPI’s or the fact that they’re paid more than me, are unvaccinated and risk losing their jobs, and are not ‘allowed’ to work from home.
There seems to be a lot of resentment about people working from home. It’s not a jolly. I’m not doing anything different apart from being open about the fact that I am in pain, all over my body. My pain doesn’t turn off like a switch. It’s real. Every single second of every day.
You’d think with the last two years that employers would be much more reasonable about working from home. Yes, there are some that take the piss, there always is, but what about the rest of us?
The concept of having rent/buy less office space makes sense to me. Being flexible makes sense to me. But who knows. I am at the bottom of a very long chain.
Seeing the pain consultant today has made me feel a little more in control. Albeit, a little more stressed but I am on the right path and I know what is right for me in the long run.
I shall continue to persist and do my best to manage my pain. To manage myself. To love myself and I am determined to not let others make me feel ashamed of what I do, just because they don’t understand it.