There is a lot going on in the news right now. Coronavirus is threatening a second wave, there has been a man killed by the very people who should have been protecting him – just because of the colour of his skin. Life isn’t normal by any means for anyone. We are without our friends and family – our normal support groups, but also very importantly; we are trying to live in a world without our normal coping mechanisms. The things I have learnt to do in rehabilitation therapy to manage my day to day, have dissolved. Possibilities of going back to work but it is all up in the air and completely uncertain. My normal places and activities are not suitable at the moment.
Throughout my recovery, I have talked about how gardening has saved my life. Years of working hard to achieve my little cottage allotment. Hours upon hours lost in that little patch of sacred land. My community there (albeit all 5 of us), have found such solace in our allotments during this strange period. We have all come together, helped with other jobs that others cannot manage, socialised at a distance and have probably achieved our best year yet.
So what happens when the allotment becomes no longer safe?
Whilst I can’t go into detail about what happened on Sunday, I can tell you that my world I had worked so hard for – fell apart.
Now before you read on – I would like to just put another content warning before you read on. It isn’t suitable to young eyes and I am angry.
**CONTENT WARNING – may contain references to eating disorders, mental health and of a sexual nature***
On Sunday, me and two other women were sexually assaulted and attacked at our allotment by a man.
I’m not going into anymore detail than that as it’s not necessary. But I am so fucked off that someone on their furlough time, decided that that was what they were going to do with their lockdown time. Oh I am going to force my body on vulnerable women.
I’m not just a sitting duck waiting for someone to come along do what they want. I won’t back down and I won’t back off. My FEMALE body is not meant for you to look at. It is not for anyone else’s pleasure but my damn own. I will wear what I want, swear when I want, and not adjust my behaviour to be a lady and please people.
My allotment is my LIFELINE. AS it is for the other ladies down there. We have disabilities, conditions, depression, ups and downs – but we are a network for each other. We pick each other up when we are feeling down. We help each other or get in the help for when our abilities are just so underwhelming. WE ARE OUR OWN THERAPY. We are there every day come rain or shine. Even out of hospital last year after my operations, I was sat there watering at night with packing up all in my sinuses for two weeks. I was there two days after major surgery. Why? Because I felt like I needed to be there. I needed everything I had worked hard for, around me.
I like to sit there and listen to the birds. There are so many noises from nature around. Sometimes even have the radio on and a couple of beers if the occasion arises. Just take in all the sounds and mindfully listen too what’s around me. I found my allotment one the only places I can do that and as a mother to a three year old – I value my time alone trust me. It’s the only time I get to enjoy my own company and learn to love myself again. Or did.
But never ever have I asked to be sexually assaulted or abused and I am pretty fucking sick of it.
This is my second occasion THIS YEAR. Not in my life – this year so far. That’s disgusting.
My allotment is no longer safe for me on my own. Which is the one place I like to escape to on my own. It also seems kind of tainted. I have been up every day since but I have been extremely anxious.
Strangely too – I only go up when there are men there to protect me which seems weird right?
I have thought long and hard about writing something about expressing how I feel about this and I will be honest – I just don’t know. No one ever wants this so how do you process something that isn’t supposed to happen in the first place? Especially when it happened in the place you have taught yourself over and over in therapy, to use, utilise and love.
Where do I go from here? I’m there at the allotment but I cannot find the capacity to clear my mind enough to figure out what I need to get on with. I feel very numb and an overwhelming sense of shame. I can’t help but think to myself ‘do I dress inappropriately?’ or ‘do I give the wrong impression?’. But then I realised that it isn’t my fucking problem and I will dress how I want and just be who I am.
So whilst it’s all fresh and raw – I am trying my best to get up and out there. But I feel incredibly broken. I feel betrayed. I feel dead inside.
Unfortunately this has triggered other things I have worked hard to recover from. Chronic pain flooding back, taking back control through lack of eating and triggering my eating disorder, depression, huge problems with my body image and now a huge an unwelcome mistrust in human kind.
I won’t let someone take my allotment from me and all I achieve through it – but it will take me a while to get back to loving myself again and loving what I do,, which includes loving others. I cannot and will not let someone’s actions do that.
I just feel…sad. This is not okay.
Thank you to every single person who has sent me messages, called, emailed etc… I may not have replied but your messages have warmed my heart. Thank you.