I have to admit that the allotment has been on the back burner a little recently. Even when I go there, I find that I’m doing little as I am just waiting for things to naturally die off. I just can’t find the enthusiasm at the moment to put any effort into it at the moment. I feel a little dead inside I suppose.


I originally started my allotment 4 years ago when I started to get sick but didn’t know why I was in pain so much. Appointments, Consultants, hospital appointments, operations etc, have all come and gone and the allotment is still there and thriving amazingly. Don’t ask me how.


I’ve been applying for jobs. Left right an centre. I don’t think there is a job that I haven’t applied for. I’m not even being selective anymore. I have applied for cleaning jobs, retail jobs, gardening jobs, admin, clerical, lab assistant, secretarial.


But because I am a mum, a woman, I really believe there is not any opportunity for women to get back into work after having children OR living with illness. The part time jobs are always minimum wage at £8 something an hour. There is nothing…skilled as such. I have a BSc Hons in Medical Sciences. Can I use it for part time work? Certainly not! How dare I as a mother and a disabled person, want PART-TIME work where I can use the skills that I know. They don’t exist. It’s full time or NOTHING. I am expected to stay at home and smile and be happy. Stack shelves at night and then do it all over again.


I haven’t worked properly in a long time. I haven’t been mentally challenged in a job since I left full time work when I fell unwell with my fibromyalgia and sinus tumour and had to leave my job.


I feel so incredibly sad. There’s literally nothing out there to support mothers returning to work, for whatever reason.


However, saying that, I can’t even get a job at the moment. Regardless of what it is. I’ve applied for full time jobs and told the employers I would like to be part time but then I have not got the job. I have been open that I have a disability but not gone into detail. I have been positive about my rehabilitation and am really proud that I have worked this hard to get where I am but without my services and therapists, I am falling back into the deep dark world of chronic illness.


I’m not saying that the jobs that I am going for are unskilled. They are jobs I’ve done before, as a teenager. I’m saying there is literally nothing out there that supports part time or flexible working. The attitude is like it’s my fault for getting pregnant and having a kid in the first place. Or they look at me as I am of childbearing age and make a decision in their heads on how they think I will use my womb in the future. Or they assume I am lazy because I suffer from chronic pain which is complete bullshit and the complete opposite. Or a lot of older women purse their lips and see me as a threat. There are so many assumptions that people make about me in their heads. I literally cannot get a job. Any job. Coronavirus has well and truly fucked that as there are so many people looking for work too. There’s hundreds of people applying for one role. Then it’s whittled down into some kind of shortlist with the employers making you jump through hoops. Online typing and literacy tests for jobs that require hardly or no typing.


I literally don’t know how to push on through this. My main aim is to support the families around me who are struggling. I never want people to feel like this. To feel poor. I’m a 33 year old woman, applying for a job that they’re giving to to university aged people to earn a bit of extra cash.


I ask for feedback and get that someone always comes out better on paper. I get offered a job (a month ago) and the hours suddenly changed to full time and for multiple consultants (which is a huge pisstake if it isn’t a typing pool).


Thank you for the suggestions on what I should be applying for. I can almost guarantee that I have thought of it and applied. Jobs with my local council, even Saturday jobs in hairdressers.


There is no mindful hiring whatsoever at the moment. It’s employers seeing who can scramble to the top of the mountain quick enough and then they decide, actually, they don’t want you and instead of climbing back down that mountain to search for another peak, they throw you off so you have to start all again from the beginning.


It’s not so much about having a CV anymore. It’s much more than that. You need a personalised cover letter for the position, your CV, an application form, security checks, non disclosure forms, confidentiality forms, proof of ID, online tests, zoom calls, shadowing the position for free for 3+ hours, without the sign of a job at the end.Not forgetting the interview and then… THEY NEVER CALL YOU BACK. They don’t have the decency to even phone you to tell you, after all of that, that you didn’t even get the position. In retail, stacking shelves.


Try doing this for every job that you apply for at the moment. You spend all that time and effort into someone who cannot be bothered for a <5 minute chat on the phone to say why you didn’t get that position.


It’s absolutely heartbreaking. Demoralising. I don’t really feel like a human being anymore and I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I suppose I will have to still keep carrying on to push and push to get myself a minimum wage job. It’s taking up all my time too. If I have Oscar, then I am on my computer applying for jobs. In the evenings, I am checking my job alerts and applying for jobs in between cooking and cleaning. There is literally nothing more I can do.


So. Here I am. Jobless. More than skint. Debt creeping up and up. Letters are starting to come through the door for money we owe. Savings have LONG gone. They kept us going through lockdown.


The stupid fucking thing is, none of this was brought on by myself.

One thought on “Depressed.

  1. My heart goes out to you Kel but that’s not what you need. You need a plan. First of all medical problems – YOU HAVE A LADIES complaint OK. you have not lied but just been economical with the truth. If it’s a male interviewing you he wont get personal. Our daughter Katie is a clinical coder at our local hospital they are always after admin staff try an agency for medical staff . Just a few thoughts luv/hugs xx

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